Funny Stories From The Twitters

The twitters make me laugh, daily.  But randomly, I felt like it was something facebook status worthy.  Recently I decided I wanted to put the facebook stories together somewhere so I could go back and read them one day, and I decided to put the ones to date in my blog.  I think I will add a few new ones that I have been meaning to facebook about.  (Don't you love how facebook can be a verb?)  And I am thinking I will add a few from Jonathan's account!  Here goes:


I will start out with a story that I am a little afraid to post as a facebook status.  I know I am horribly immature for thinking this is so funny but every time I think about it I can't help but smile, if not bust out laughing.  Austin and Lanna have recently taken an interest in the American Flag.  As a patriotic, red-blooded America, I am pretty proud of this fact.  Commonly when seeing Jonathan in his uniform they would point of the flag patch on his upper arm.  They also LOVE passing by the Nissan dealership on our way to the grocery store because there is a huge flag.  They get so excited, it's pretty darn cute.  Anyhow, this is all great and good and overall cute until you take into account that they can't actually pronounce "flag" yet.  Instead it comes out sounding like "fag."  Those darn "L's" are a tough one.  It's kinda funny when we are in the car and the twitters are in the back yelling "BIG FAG, BIG FAG" but when you are in the grocery store and they are chattering to each other about the "big fag" you get some weird looks.  But all that pales in comparison to when you are walking around on post (or elsewhere in our military town) and your kids are pointing at soldiers and yelling "Fag, Fag" "LOOK MAMA, FAG!"  You get some weird looks.  At first I would try and apologize and explain they were talking about the FLAG patch on your shoulder.  Now I just look at the person, shrug and laugh inside. :)  There you have it, I am really that immature and juvenile because I think this is funny.

In other news.  Lanna knows what a credit card is and how to use it.  One day she was making pretend food for Jonathan and after giving it to him and having him eat it, she said "pay for it!"  So he took out one of the old gift cards I have given the twitters to play with and gave it to Lanna.  She walked over and pretended to "swipe" it in the crack of one of our chairs.  Smart little cookie!  Here are a few facebook status posts from Jonathan:

September 3, 2010 - Today I was sitting on the sofa with Austin standing right next to me. I pulled his diaper back to check because he smelled dirty. In doing so, I slid my fingers into his diaper and right into the rancid poo that was so full it was about to burst out the top of his diaper. In sheer terror and surprise, I quickly yanked... my hand back towards my face while yelling in panic. In a most unfortunate escalation of an already unpleasant experience, a large piece of poo stuck to my fingers and was flung back into my open mouth. I know this is so graphic and gross that no human should ever have to read about such atrocities, but I feel compelled to share my suffering with my Facebook friends so uh… enjoy.

August 24, 2010 - I just told Austin that it would be nice if he shared a gold fish snack with Lanna. He responded by laboring to pick up the tiniest gold fish crumb that his little fingers could pick up and handing it to her. Should I consider this a success or failure? I'm not sure.

July 26, 2010 - Lanna came up to me, pointed at the checkbook, and asked what it was. I told her "this is daddy's checkbook" to which she replied by grabbing it out of my hand and saying "NO. MOMMY'S!" How is she already so smart?

July 3, 2010 - Both the kids were sitting on their seats, standing up and saying they were done, then sitting back down. I was focused on Austin when I looked over and saw Lanna standing with one foot in the air and a shocked look on her face after having just stepped in a huge turd that she just dropped beside the potty (half on the bathroom rug and half on the tile). During the chaos of trying to clean her, the rug, and the floor we failed to notice Austin standing over his potty peeing everywhere but managing to not get a single drop INSIDE the actual potty. As I transitioned to trying to clean him I managed to forget about the mess on the floor and stepped in it myself. Yeah, that was fun. Bedtime was late and we have two bathroom rugs drying on the outside fence but otherwise I think we have recovered. 

- can you tell my husband is traumatized over poop incidents?

and a few from me:


August 17, 2010 - The twins managed to get the Tupperware container of zucchini muffins off the counter and when I caught them they were desperately trying to take a bite off the top of each one. I guess they thought if they took a bite of it, the muffin was theirs!

July 31, 2010 - You never know when your kid is going to figure out how to lock the door going out to the garage. Unfortunately for me, Austin figured it out today while I was in the garage in my undies....

 July 23, 2010 - Austin thinks his hair is a class A napkin. If his fingers are dirty he just runs them through his hair and presto...good as new!! Apparently the actual napkin sitting next to his plate is too much work...all that wiping and stuff! ;)

June 16, 2010 - This morning Austin was slamming his drawer repeatedly so I said "Austin, that hurts mommy's ears." So he kissed my ears :) ...and then went right back to slamming the drawer! ;)

June 15, 2010 - Austin brings me the football I trow it and he runs and gets it and brings it back to me, I am essentially playing "fetch" with my son...

May 4, 2010 - Lanna thinks her baby doll's toy potty is a mixing bowl. We may be further from potty training than I had originally thought....

March 31, 2010 - Just got back from the park. Instead of going down the slides and playing on the swings with the rest of the kids, the twins wanted to spend most of their time walking around the track, maybe my kids will be amazing runners unlike their mama!!!

March 27, 2010 - Jonathan is singing verses of "The Wheels on the Bus" I have never heard before! For example have you heard the verse "the ninja on the bus goes hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya" :)  (ok, so that is not about the kids exactly, but relates to them and brings a smile) 


February 23,2010 - I just asked Austin for a kiss and he opened his mouth as wide as possible and stuck out his tongue. hehehe :)

February 17, 2010 - The twins managed to reach an open package of girl scout cookies on the counter (go go gadget arms) and had a yummy breakfast out of them....I would have been more upset if it were not for the fact that I had girl scout cookies for breakfast not long before :)

January 20, 2010 - I am changing Austin's diaper and Lanna walks up and out of no where throws up on Austins head. I don't know what kind of a day you are having, but chances are you are doing better than poor Austin!

November 30, 2009 - The twins are running around copying each other.....Lanna accidental ran into the wall and so Austin pretended to run into the wall :)

August 16, 2009 - Austin pooped in the tub while the twins were taking a bath so I immediately pulled both of them out and Lanna ran into the hallway and peed on the carpet....I swear they plan these things....

August 5, 2009 - The twins keep giving each other toys while the other is in time out.....it's 2 to 1 and they are winning.......

OK, that was WAY more than just a few ;)  Well, that's all I got for now!  Although I did just hear Jonathan saying "Lanna, daddy's not stinky, quit pulling my pants down to check!" hehehe :)